Friday, March 14, 2008


You are about to read something shocking. Something horrifying. Something you'll want to deny from the very depths of your soul. But you must read on anyway, because you should be concerned for yourself, for your family, and for kind strangers on the street. This fact that I'm about to share with you may shake you to your very core, but you owe it to yourself to be educated on the subject matter. So, here goes:

Puppies are innately evil creatures.

As is the case with so much of the general public, I am sure that you were unaware of this fact. You may shake your head and deny that such an idea could ever even be conceived, but after you've examined the evidence, you'll know that what I am telling you is indeed true. The danger cannot be denied.

I should begin by saying that puppies were, indeed, originally designed by an intelligent and benevolent being. They possess many qualities that lead some to believe that they are cute, cuddly, loving little critters who want to shadow your every move because they simply adore you; however, at some point in the refining process, something went terribly, horribly wrong. The final product was an evil genius’ technical masterpiece: a finely tuned demolition machine encased in a guise of sweetness and light.

Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Firstly, puppies are born as very small, helpless creatures who can do nothing for themselves. They are often covered with a fine coating of soft fur that may be any number of a variety of colors, all of which are appealing to susceptible humans. Newborn puppies’ eyes are closed for approximately ten days, giving them ample opportunity to play on human sympathies. It is our nature, you see, to pity the meek and mild and to develop affection for those who cannot help themselves. Puppies seek to make the initial emotional connection with humans during this early stage of life.

Sometime during the third week of existence, puppies’ eyes open and puppies take on an expression of sleepy disinterest. Their somnolence is endearing and often, humans will begin to pick puppies up, hold them, and talk to them during this stage. Most puppies’ response is to be very still and possibly even to fall asleep while a human is cradling them. This is a perfectly-designed ploy to deepen the emotional connection. Wise humans will be very wary, because this connection will later be used in the puppy’s mission to seek and destroy.

As the maturation process moves along, puppies initiate a number of activities that lead humans to believe that they are weak, clumsy, well-meaning animals that could never be capable of evil. They tussle, they tumble, and they learn to clumsily climb. They punctuate playtime with well-orchestrated “wipeouts” that cause humans to chuckle and muse about their lack of coordination. No educated human should fall prey to these tactics, but many have and many will continue to do so.

Sometime around the seventh week of life, puppies make their ultimate play – the play that puts them in perfect alignment to score an easy kill after it’s all said and done. They eagerly gallop to greet visitors, enthusiastically licking their hands and faces in what many would incorrectly interpret to be a loving manner. In truth, the puppies’ taste buds and sense of smell are beginning to reach their finely-tuned peak at this age, and wise puppies are merely sampling the buffet of humans, deciding which human looks and tastes the best. Once this decision is made, the puppy will go out of his or her way to endear him or herself to the chosen human in hopes that the human will “pick” him or her out of the litter.

Once the decision is made, the lucky puppy is in a prime position to begin to plan the veritable destruction of his or her new human or humans and their home. Typically this begins at a pace so slow that the human is unaware of the impending danger. Smart puppies initially transition to their new homes with every appearance of excitement and wonder. It is during the first night that the first assault on the humans will begin.

After the lights are off and the house is quiet, the puppy who had been silently and safely tucked away in his or her crate will begin to wail and whine mournfully at a level of 80 decibels or more. No manner of soft words will comfort it, and the terrible cacophony will continue until one of two things occurs: either the puppy will be placed in the bed with the humans (a wonderful location from which to disturb sleep while planning further assault) or the puppy will continue to wail until morning arrives (depriving the humans of vital sleep). This activity will continue nightly for up to several weeks, or until the puppy has adequately planned his or her next plan of attack.

Without fail, a puppy will begin to show “improvement” in the wailing-in-the-crate area, but this should be an omen of more terrible things to come. Often a puppy will lull a human into falsely hoping that the puppy situation is improving; instead, the puppy will move his or her focus to another area, such as biting.

It never fails that one day, a human will be lovingly be playing with a puppy when suddenly, a terrible attack is launched and the poor human is defenseless and unsure of how to respond. The puppy will viciously bite, rip and tear clothing or flesh from the human while wagging his or her tail in what appears to be a friendly manner. (In reality, it is an outward expression of the puppies’ joy at a successful attack.) The target of the puppy mouthing will rapidly expand until nothing, neither human nor household item, is safe. Shoes may be destroyed, furniture may be “remodeled”, electronic items may be “rewired” and fingers may turn into bruised, swollen stumps due to constant perforation by the cleverly-designed puppy teeth. Simultaneously, most puppies will begin their mission to destroy the house by soaking the entire dwelling with urine. No floor surface is spared as the puppy unpredictably squats and soils. Ten thousand dollar Oriental rugs have been ruined in this very manner.

And so, you see, between sleep deprivation, indiscriminate chewing, vicious biting, and home soiling, the puppies’ sole mission is to destroy humans and all that they own. I urge you NEVER to let your guard down. Do not fall prey to the great puppy ploy! Should you be so unfortunate as to do so, you will find that you are merely a shell of your former self, and that your home resembles a post-nuclear-blast site.

Unfortunately, once you have been taken by the puppy scheme, there is little to be done in the way of disaster mitigation. The only known cure is to ask for help from a responsible party who can guide you in the recovery process. The journey is long and the way is hard. So please, I urge you to save yourself the trouble.



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